Friends S01E23

She's having my baby, and she's not here yet.

-Has her water broken yet? -I don't know. -

When we talked,she said she'd already passed the mucous plug.

What'll you do when you have a baby?

I'll be in the waiting room, handing out cigars.

Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the '50s.

She could be giving birth in the cab.

Relax. It's only $2 for the first contraction...

...and then 50 cents for each additional contraction.

What,it's okay when Chandler does it?

You have to pick your moments.

Did I miss it?

-She's not here yet. -What's with the guitar? -

We might be here for a while. Things might get musical.

I got this, and Susan wanted a Chunky.

You're having a baby. You don't stop for Chunkies.

I used to have that bumper sticker.

You see what I mean?

-"Stopped for a Chunky." -Let it go,Ross. -

I got an extra one. You want this?

-How's my favorite parenting team? -Dr. Franzblau. -

I see you're nine months pregnant. That's a good start.

-How are your contractions? -I love them. -

-Every 4 minutes,lasting 55 seconds. -59 seconds. Quartz.

Swiss quartz.

-Am I allowed to drink anything? -lce chips. -

-At the nurse's station. -I'll get it! -

-No,I'll get it. -No,I'm getting it.

Hi. Thought you might like some ice chips.

-Thanks. -And if you need anything else l...

...do not believe we've met.

I'm Rachel Greene.

I'm Carol's ex-husband's sister's roommate.

Nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Franzblau.

I'm your roommate's brother's ex-wife's obstetrician.

Oh,that's funny.

I want a baby.

Not tonight,honey. I got an early day tomorrow.

-Get up. Let's get some coffee. -Okay,because we never do that. -

Shoot,shoot,shoot. Or just fall down. That's good too.

Knick fan?

-Oh,boy,do they suck. -Listen,lady -

Look. Look at your man,Ewing.

He couldn't hit water if he was standing on a boat.

-And who do you like? -Celtics. -

Celtics? They couldn't hit a boat if

Wait....

They suck,all right?

Shut up. It's a rebuilding year

Let me get the father. We need a father over here.

There's no father.

-Oh,sorry. -That's okay. I'm fine. -

Okay. Right this way.

All the other pregnant women seem to be going in here.

They're tiny and chubby And so sweet to touch

But soon they'll grow up And resent you so much

Now they're yelling at you And you don 't know why

And you cry and you cry And you cry

And you cry and you cry And you cry

-Thanks,Ross. -I'm paying you to stop. -

Oh,look,twins. Hi,guys. Oh,cute.

No fair.

I don't even have one. How come they get two?

-You'll get one. -When? -

Tell you what. When we're 40, if neither of us are married...

...what do you say we have one?

Why won't I be married when I'm 40?

I just meant hypothetically.

Hypothetically,why won't I be married when I'm 40?

What is it? Is there something unmarriable about me?

Well?

Look at you,dressy-dress.

Did you go home and change?

It's an important day. I want to look nice.

Has Dr. Franzblau been by?

I haven't seen him.

Where is he? He is supposed to be here.

What if the baby needs him?

What's the deal with you and doctors? Is your father a doctor?

Yeah. Why?

No reason.

Mom,we've been through this.

No,I am not calling him.

I don't care if it is his kid, the guy's a jerk.

No,I am not alone. Joey's here.

What do you mean "Joey who"?

Joey who?

-Tribbiani. -Joey Tribbiani. -

Yes. Okay. Hold on.

She wants to talk to you.

Take the phone.

Yeah,it's me.

No,we're just friends.

Yeah,I'm single.

Twenty-five. 25

An actor. Hello?

She's not much of a phone person.

So,what's the deal with this father guy?

If someone was having my baby, I'd wanna know about it.

Hey,Knick fan,am I interested in your views on fatherhood? No.

-Maybe I should just go. -Maybe you should. -

Good luck...

...and take care.

The Celtics problem is that the players run the team.

-That is so not true. -Oh,it is. -

-Breathe. -Breathe. -

You're gonna kill me.

-Fifteen more seconds. 1 4,1 3,1 2 -Count faster.

It'll be okay. IKeep focusing on Jordy. He'll be here soon.

-Three. Two. Who the hell is Jordy? -Your son. -3,2,1.

I don't have a son named Jordy. We all agreed on Jamie.

Jamie was the name of Susan's first girlfriend...

...so we went back to Jordy.

What do you mean,back to Jordy? We never landed on Jordy.

We just passed by it during the whole Jesse-Cody-Dillon fiasco.

Ow! Leg cramp!

-I got it. -I got it. I'm doing it. -

You get to sleep with her. I get the cramps.

No,you don't.

That is it. I want both of you out.

I'm trying to get a person out of my body here...

...and you're not making it any easier! Now go!

-Thanks. -See what you did? -

-Listen -Out!

Breathe. Breathe.

What is that? Something exploded.

-That's not the baby,is it? -Her water broke. Calm down. -

Water breaking? What do you mean? What's that?

Breathe. Breathe.

I'm okay. I'm okay. That's disgusting. I'm okay.

-This is so your fault. -How is this my fault? -

Carol never threw me out of a room before you.

There's a lot of things Carol never did before me.

-Are you trying to be clever? -You're so threatened by me. -

Hey. Okay,all right. That's it. Get in here.

My God,you guys. I don't believe you.

There are children coming into the world here...

...and your fighting isn't the first thing they should hear.

So stop all the yelling! Just stop it!

Don't make me do this again! I don't like my voice like this!

Who wants to hear something ironic?

Don't worry, we're gonna find them.

And until we do, we are all here for you. Okay?

You were telling me about Paris. It sounds wonderful.

There was this great little pastry shop right by my hotel

There you go,dear.

-You find them? -Not in the gift shop or cafeteria.... -

Where are Phoebe and Joey?

There's something sinister going on here.

...scream. And scream again.

-Help! -Come on!

-I'm having a baby in there! -Hello!

Okay,everyone stand back.

Ow.

All right,good thing we're in a hospital.

Come on,Lydia,you can do it.

Push him out,push him out. Way out.

Let's get that ball and really move.

Let's get

I was just Yeah,okay. Push,push,push.

What are you gonna do, suck the door open?

Help! Help!

And they found their bodies The very next day

And they found their bodies The very next

Mom,everything's going fine.

Ross is great.

He's in a whole other place.

No,he's gone.

No,you don't have to fly back. Really.

What do you mean "This might be your only chance"? I'm only 26.

I'm not even thinking about babies yet.

-Where have you been? -I just had a baby. -

Mazel tov.

It could be one hour or three.

But relax. She's doing great.

So tell me,are you currently involved with anyone?

Not at the moment,I'm not. Are you?

No,it's hard enough to get women to go out with me.

Right. Yeah,I've heard that about cute doctors.

No,really. I suppose it's because I spend so much time,you know...

...where I do.

I try not to let work affect my personal life.

But it's hard when,when you do what I do. It's,like....

Well,for instance, what do you do?

I'm a waitress.

Aren't there times when you come home at night and you're,like:

"If I see one more cup of coffee...."

Gotcha.

-I'm gonna check up on your friend. -That's fine. -

-How'd you know I was here? -Your mom called me. -

So is this her?

No,this is a loaner.

Ours is at the shop.

God,I hope she has my brains.

I'm sorry you had to do this by yourself.

I wasn't by myself. I had a doctor, a nurse and a helper guy.

-So did you see who won the game? -The Knicks by 10. They suck. -

They're not so bad.

Come on. Come on.

-You're doing it too hard. -You have to do it hard or else -

Damn it. Damn it.

Damn it,damn it. This is all your fault.

This should be the greatest day of my life.

My son is being born, and I should be in there.

Instead,I'm stuck in a closet with you.

I have been waiting for this as much as you.

No one's been waiting for this as much as I have.

You know what's funny?

You go home with the baby. Where does that leave me?

You're his father.

Who am l? There's Father's Day. There's Mother's Day.

There's no Lesbian Lover Day.

Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.

This is so great.

Do you wanna explain that?

I mean,when I was growing up, my dad left...

...and my mother died and my stepfather went to jail.

I barely had enough pieces to make one whole parent.

And here's this baby who has three whole parents...

...who fight over who gets to love it the most...

...and it's not even born yet.

It's just the luckiest baby in the whole world.

I'm sorry. You were fighting.

Where are they?

-They'll be here. -They wouldn't miss this. -

Relax. You're only at 9 centimeters, and the baby's at zero station.

You are really frightening me.

Somebody wanna help me? Trying to rip out my heart.

That's great. Anybody seen a nipple?

Ten centimeters. Here we go.

-Time to start pushing. -But they're not here yet. -

-I can't tell the baby to wait. -Oh,God. -

-Okay,got the vent open. -Hi,I'm Ben. -

I'm hospital worker Ben.

It's Ben to the rescue.

Ben,you ready? Give me your foot.

On three,Ben. One,two,three.

Come on,Ben. That's it,Ben.

What do you see?

I see what appears to be a dark vent.

Wait.

Yes,it is,in fact,a dark vent.

Pheebs,it's open. It's open.

Wait. You forgot your legs.

-Push. Push. -We're here. We're here. -

Where have you been?

Long story.

I need you to keep pushing. I need Excuse me,can I have this?

There's too many people here. There's about to be one more.

So if you're not an ex-husband or lesbian life partner,out you go.

-Bye-bye. -Good luck,you guys.

Do you have to be Carol's lesbian life partner?

Out.

Here he comes.

Let me see. I've gotta see.

A head.

It's huge. How are you doing this?

You're not helping.

You're doing great.

-Hello? -Oh,sorry.

What do you see? What do you see?

We got a head. We got arms. Oh,look at the little fingers.

A chest and a stomach...

...and it's a boy,definitely a boy.

Legs,knees and feet.

He's here.

He's a person.

-Look. -What does he look like?

IKind of like my Uncle Ed, covered in Jell-O.

Really?

You guys,he's beautiful.

Thanks,Pheebs.

No shouting,but we still need a name for this little guy.

-How about Ben? -I like Ben. -

Ben.

Ben's good. How come you never mentioned Ben before?

We just cooked it up.

That's what we were off doing.

-Can we come in? -Yeah,come on. -

I know. I know.

Everybody,there's someone I'd like you to meet.

-This is Ben. -Hi,Ben.

Ben,this is everybody.

Susan,he looks just like you.

Thanks.

I can't believe one of us actually has one of these.

I know. I still am one of these.

Can l?

Okay,the head. You gotta....

I'm your Aunt Monica. Yes,I am.

I'm your Aunt Monica.

I will always have gum.

Ben...

... I want you to know that there may be some times when...

... I may not be around like this.

But I'll still always come back...

...Iike this.

And sometimes, I may be away longer...

...Iike this.

But I'll still always come back...

...Iike this.

And sometimes,I'll want you to steal third and I'll go like this:

He is so amazing.

Yeah,I know. Look at him.

Look,he's closing his eyes.

Look,he's opening his eyes.

He doesn't do much,does he?

Nope,this is pretty much it.

You guys wanna get some coffee?

I'll see you guys later.

He's closing his eyes again.