Year of the Child

(Jason practicing reciting Hebrew)

TRINA: Jason dear, hello.

Are you packed and waiting?

But before we go,

Let me talk with father alone.

Now as the bar mitzvah nears-

Jason, put your walkerman on and hum.

Since this is the last loving thing we'll probably ever do together,

Let's act adult and not go crazy.

MARVIN: Have you chosen yet who'll cater?

TRINA: What about it?

MARVIN: I know a person who can cater. (TRINA: It's a personal opinion who should cater. )

Can we consider who's gonna cater? (TRINA: Shh!)

Please? (TRINA: Ahh!)

Please! ( TRINA: Shh!)

MENDEL: Stop! This is so much crap,

Throw a simple party!

Religion's just a trap

That ensnares the weak and the dumb.

Hey! Stop with the prayers.

TRINA: How can you 'stop with the prayers' at a bar mitzvah?

MENDEL: The whole thing's voodoo,

And I know more than you do!

MARVIN AND TRINA: This is the year of Jason's bar mitzvah!

We're more excited than we should be.

This is the year of the child when he spreads out his wings!

There's music in his heart!

His life's about to start!

His body's going wild!

My child-

MARVIN: My child-

TRINA: Our child.

MENDEL: Children, please.

Throw the kid a celebration and relax.

I'll bring women from the wrong side of the tracks.

We'll have a ball!

I guess I'll have to raise this Jason myself.

MARVIN: Isn't he an asshole? (MENDEL: My own bar mitzvah was...)

TRINA: Yes, he is.(MENDEL: A miserable occasion.)

MARVIN: Isn't he too much?

TRINA: Yes, but so are you. Really, kiddo, so are you. (MENDEL: The cause for such abrasion in my family!)

MARVIN: Jesus, he's an asshole! (MENDEL: It still gives me hives!) Jason, where's my hug?

TRINA: Where's my hug?

MARVIN, TRINA, and MENDEL: This is the year for Jason's bar mitzvah,

This is the year for Jason's bar mitzvah!

(doorbell rings)

CHARLOTTE: Look, look, look, look, look! It's a lesbian from next door!

CORDELIA: Followed by her lover who's a lesbian from next door too!

And I've got food for you,

Delicious food for you!

Nouvelle bar mitzvah cuisine! (TRINA: Ah?)

CORDELIA: Here's dietetic knishes, gefilte fishes, food that's from the heart!

So take a bite and see

If all your friends agree

It's good!

EVERYONE but JASON: Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yum!

We'll have one perfect time!

We'll spend billions of dollars!

TRINA: Conga!

EVERYONE but JASON: We'll have flowers galore,

And the band will sound fine!

There'll be chandeliers set round the room

With the men in tuxedos!

There'll be food, like food never before!

What a day to remember!

This is the year of Jason's bar mitzvah!

JASON: They're more excited than they should be.

EVERYONE but JASON: This is the year of the child when he spreads out his wings!

There's music in his heart!

His life's about to start!

His body's going wild!

My-

ALL: (breaking off and harmonizing) Child!