Fright of Their Lives

BETELGEUSE: Okay

Listen up, I'm not gonna lie

Right now, you couldn't frighten a fly

Or scare a seagull off of a fry

You ever stop to ask yourselves "why?"

Both of you are super polite

Middle class, suburban, and white

Well, all of that is finished tonight

Except for the white part, obviously

Take your places

I want scary faces

Now go!

Bigger

Further

Harder

Not bad

Sever a head

Preferably someone you know

BARBARA, spoken: Look at me, I'm so scary.

BETELGEUSE: Don't be so vanilla

Would a little anger kill ya?

C'mon, drop your panties

I'm trying to fill ya

With wisdom and skill

And the instinct to kill

ADAM, spoken: Again, we do not want to kill anyone!

BETELGEUSE, spoken: Fine!

But somehow, someway, you gotta make 'em see ya.

I'm talkin' jump-scares, the jerky Japanese ghost-walk. Plus—

Learn to throw your voice! Fool your friends! Fun at parties!

ADAM, spoken: Now THAT is cool! I wanna do that!

BETELGEUSE: Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy

Raising the stakes by punching a baby

Scare 'em awake till they break

They'll be quaking in fright

'Cause you've got some evil deep down inside you

Put all the farmer's markets behind you

You've gotta work

Gotta haunt till it hurts

Through the night

And give those guys the fright of their lives

Yeah yeah!

Let's start with things that you hate

ADAM: Well, hate's a very strong word

BARBARA: Perhaps when people are late

ADAM: Or getting pooped on by birds?

BETELGEUSE: No, what fills you with rage?

BARBARA: Being mean to a pet

ADAM: Chefs who use too much sage when they make beurre noisette

BARBARA: Over-glutinous food (BETELGEUSE: Right. )

ADAM: Or when kids call me "dude" (BETELGEUSE: Sure. )

BARBARA: Oh, I find that so rude!

BETELGEUSE: Well, there's lots there to use

Take a deep breath

And give me your best primal scream

BARBARA: Haaah!

ADAM, spoken: Barbara, that was brilliant!

BARBARA, spoken: Really?

BETELGEUSE: Try it again

Maybe this time pretend like you mean it

BARBARA: Aaauuhh!

ADAM, spoken: That was even better! (BARBARA: Thanks!)

BETELGEUSE: I want freedom

But to get my freedom, I need them

To get a living person to say my name

ADAM & BARBARA: Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse?

BETELGEUSE: I know that beggars can't be choosers

But do they have to be such losers?

Both of them are deathly dull and lame

ADAM & BARBARA & CHOIR: Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse

BETELGEUSE: Why God-slash-Satan, did you send these bed wetters?

Even, like, a tax attorney would've been better

Somebody with gravitas, somebody to fear who—

ADAM: Excuse me, Mr. Betelgeuse

We can kind of hear you

BETELGEUSE, spoken: Yeah?

Well that was a soliloquy, so you're the one who's being rude.

(sung)Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy

BARBARA: Turn all the lights on

ADAM: Dress like a baby

BETELGEUSE, spoken: Adam, I don't even...no.

(sung)Get your heads in the game

ADAM & BARBARA: Let's hide their phones!

BETELGEUSE (ADAM & BARBARA): Screw their phones!

Ugh, these dopes are both hopeless

How will I ever survive?

Unless they get the fright of their lives

(Yes yes, we're feelin' it, they're gonna feel it, we're killin' it! )

They gotta get the fright of their lives

(We're scary, very very scary!)

They'll never get the fright of their lives

(Yeah!)

Ugh