Stuck

[HEALER] I have a degree

[PHIL CONNORS] That's nice

[HEALER] In alternative therapy

[PHIL] Okay

[HEALER] Took an online course for a week or two

[PHIL] Maybe we should--

[HEALER] I think we should begin with a nice bit of Reiki

[PHIL] Reiki?

[HEALER] Unblock your Chi

[PHIL] What's Chi?

[HEALER] It's doo be doo be tra la la

It's holistic therapy

[PHIL] What does that mean?

[HEALER] It's energy

Vibrations and something magnets

And doo-be-diddly-pom-pom-pom

Now piss

[PHIL] What?

[HEALER] Piss

[PHIL] I just--

[HEALER] Piss into this

[PHIL] I don't have--

[HEALER] I'll analyze your isotopes

And something, something, quantum, quantum

[PHIL] I'm stuck

I'm just--

[NATUROPATH] I think you're allergic to gluten

[PHIL] Stuck, I'm

It's like I feel like I'm trapped in a loop

Like I'm unstuck in time

[NATUROPATH] Well I think cutting out gluten

[PHIL] I'm...

[NATUROPATH] Is the smartest solution

[PHIL] Fine

[NATUROPATH] That or a diet of soup

[PHIL] Soup?

[NATUROPATH] Made of rhino foreskin

[PHIL] I think I've lost my mind

[NATUROPATH] How about

[PHIL] I can't seem to find my way out of

[NATUROPATH] An enema?

[PHIL] What?

[NATUROPATH] Would you like an enema?

[PHIL] Existentially, I'm --

[NATUROPATH] Some essential oils

[PHIL] Essentially, I'm --

[NATUROPATH] Organic teas

[PHIL] Who needs enemas with friends like -- ?

[HEALER & NATUROPATH] I don't even know if I believe what I'm sayin'

This guy is clearly nuts but he is desperate and he's payin'

Statistically he might as well be sittin' home and prayin'

For all the good that I can do

I don't have a frickin' clue what I'm doin'

Though there are things that we just don't know

It doesn't mean you shouldn't give giving an answer a go

[NATUROPATH] Now open your buttocks to a wee bit

[PHIL] I'm not sure how this will help

[HEALER & NATUROPATH] Just want to get to the bottom of it

[PHIL] I'm stuck

I'm just stuck

[PSYCHIATRIC PHARMACOLOGIST] I have a PhD

[PHIL] Finally

[PHARMACOLOGIST] In psychiatric pharmacology

I specialize in mental illness --

[PHIL] Good

[PHARMACOLOGIST] In cows

[PHIL] What?

[PHARMACOLOGIST] Let's treat your depression

With a course of Fluoxitol

[PHIL] I'm not depressed

[PHARMACOLOGIST] You're not?

[PHIL] No!

[PHARMACOLOGIST] You must be delusional

So take some Acepromazine

And a couple of Clocapromine

And widely I'd advise ya

To try this tranquilizer

Although maybe you should just take half

[PHIL] Okay

[PHARMACOLOGIST] It says whole ones for cows

[PHIL] I'm not a --

[PHARMACOLOGIST] And half for calves

[PHIL] Right

[HEALER, NATUROPATH & PHARMACOLOGIST]

I don't even know if I believe what I'm sayin'

This guy is clearly nuts but he is desperate and he's payin'

Statistically he might as well be sittin' home and prayin'

For all the good that I can do

I don't have a friggin' clue

[SCIENTOLOGIST] In my medicine cupboard

There's a bunch of L. Ron Hubbard

[ALA GUY] There are only twelve steps and they shouldn't take long

[NATUROPATH] We just need a sample of

Your stool and your semen

[PRIEST] You have Satan within you

We must exorcise your demons

[PHARMACOLOGIST] Take this pill

[SCIENTOLOGIST] Read this book

[NATUROPATH] Eat your vegetables uncooked

[HEALER] It's your karma

[NATUROPATH] It's just toxins

[PHARMACOLOGIST] It's for constipated oxens

[ALL EXPERTS] Well that ought to loosen you up

[PHIL] I am stuck

****, okay

[PHIL & EXPERTS]

One: I'm still sleeping and this (I don't even know if I believe )

I'm just dreaming (what I'm sayin')

(This guy is clearly nuts but he )

And two: it's a prank, and (is desperate and he's payin')

everyone's in on it (Statistically he might as well )

(be sittin' home and prayin')

Three: it's a flashback from (For all the good that I can do, I )

when I was twenty and ate (don't have a frickin' clue what )

magic mushrooms and thought (I'm doin')

I was Aquaman

Four: it's some kind of reality (Though there are things that )

show (we just don't know)

Five: it's amnesia (It doesn't mean you shouldn't )

Six: it's a stroke (give giving an answer a go)

(You just have to open your)

I think I am losing my my... (mind)

[EXPERTS] That'll be five hundred bucks

[PHIL] What the f--

[PRIEST] A check is fine

[PHIL] Fine

[HEALER] Karma

[AA GUY] Toxins

[NATUROPATH] Enema

[PHARMACOLOGIST] Oxen

[PRIEST] Jesus

[SCIENTOLOGIST] Xenu

[GUS & RALPH] Alcohol!