Professional Rapper

Hello, how can I help you?

Hi, my name's Dave Burd

I have an appointment today. It's probably under "Lil Dicky"

Actually, I'm a… I'm a rapper, so…

OK, and who are you here to see?

Uh, Snoop Dogg? Says here "Snoop D-o-g-g"

Oh, yeah. He's right down the hall. First door to your right

Give him a knock and he should be right with you

Thanks. It's uh, this door right here, right?

Mm-hmm

Thank you

Grab a seat

Thanks I'm Dave very nice to meet

Dave, what it do? You can call me Dogg

Let me just check your sheet

No problem

Sir, let me just say

I'm a big fan of the shit that y'all make

I can't lie, I been thinking about this all day

All good, there's a reason that we called, Dave

Let me start with your background

Where you come from?

Sure, I was undergrad down there in Richmond

Before that

Oh, you talking bout my hometown?

Yeah

I was born out of Philly grew up in a little silly old town called Cheltenham

It was in the suburbs, upper-middle wealth around

So real shit you ain't never had to struggle for much

I wouldn't say it like that, we just had a different kind of trap

Elaborate

Well I ain't never had a tool, but I had to be the man at school

Like I was doing shit I had to do so when I finished undergrad

I'm cool and I can get whatever job I wanted

But the job you wanted wasn't all that bumping

Yeah, and I saw it quick all the flaws that be coming when you grow up like that

When you been racing them rats, you ain't been making them raps

Boo hoo what a hardship

How you paid to get the rap shit started?

Man, my Bar Mitzvah money

But don't diss me buddy, I wasn't one of them younguns up on the block who had nothing to lose

I must've wanted this a lot, I had something to choose

Look at that, I can say there's something to prove up in your ass

Yeah, I guess

That's enough of the past, what makes you want to do rap?

Oh my god, it's the best

Bitches let me draw up on their breasts

Literally I can reinvent myself

I get a forum to project myself

It's never boring, every morning I wake up and try to best myself

I never got to be suppressed or stealthy to express myself

It's kinda healthy

Cool, now let me put you through a couple hypotheticals

Sure

In a club and a couple niggas threaten you

Uh, I wouldn't do shit

And I don't even get what that got to do with this?

Shut the fuck up, rap's like life

If you wanna do this, then you won't get far acting like a little bitch

Nah, that's my niche!

Don't get offended by this, but that's the market y'all missed

That's the target I'll hit

And that's the heart of my pitch

I wanna do this whole thing different

What the fuck you mean you wanna do the whole thing different?

Uh, you know, I-I think, like, you know

Traditionally people have been doing the job, uh you know, the same kind of way for a long time

But traditionally speaking, this shit works, right?

Nah, like, I get that, but I-I just think that, you know

You don't know if it could be working even better

And I think you should look at me as an opportunity to find that out

I don't mean any disrespect by that

I'm just saying I have a different background

Like a different perspective way of looking at things than your typical applicant

So what are your biggest strengths?

Well my flow is crazy, I can switch that amazing

For example, I can be like ain't nobody fucking with Lil Dicky

When he get up on that shit and spit it sick and ridiculous

Ripping this shit like it's never been did and the rhythm is never predictable

Cause I can switch it, deliver this shit in whatever cadence you bitches prefer

Alright, alright, I get it

Top of that, lyrically I'm pretty damn clever (Go)

Got a long bottom bitch, called a hoe Neville (Whoa)

And I blow it from the jump, Derrick Rose knee (Oh)

You can say I'm pretty smart how I know better

And y'all been winning like Pistorius, it's no feat

Bro, I can go on and on

I'm taking over and they mad like father-in-laws

OK enough of the punchline, that ain't showing me you different than the other guys

Well I don't know if they can run it like that

But ain't nobody else doing funny type rap

What's that?

Well I can tell a story about my morning

Watching Boy Meets World and jerking off to Topanga Lawrence

Like the 14 year old Topanga

Oh this shit like a joke to you? I don't get it

Nah it ain't like that

I just happen to be a nutty abundantly funny type of individual, like, as a guy

So when I get up on the mic I ain't finna just lie

Real recognize real, right?

Yeah, I guess. So what you trying to do?

Five years from now, tell me bout the due

Well, I don't care about the money

Like, it's the respect that I'm wanting

Honestly, I just want to be one of the greats

Where they gotta bring your boy up every debate

I don't wanna leave the game the same

In a nutshell, what's your legacy?

Well, I wanna be the dude that came in and made the stand-up rap

Put the random rap in demand like that for the people that was anti-rap

Yet, the fans of rap start to recognize that anti-rap is ironically one of the real brands of rap left

That shit sound pretty damn complex

I guess, I wanna be the best

I just wanna do it my way

And turn the whole game sideways

And show people you ain't gotta be resigned to the highway

You can make a path while these motherfuckers drive straight

I ain't mad at that

Well thanks, man, that's my plan of my attack

Just let me in and I'mma rap the plaques

And I ain't about to win them back to back

I'm bout to win them like it's back to back to back to back to back

Til I stop rapping

You ain't even sold a damn album yet

True

That's a lot of talk from a wily vet

Let alone a young rook nigga

You misread me

Nah this ain't a book nigga

Well that's one of my flaws, I'm too competitive dawg

No, you just fucking repetitive dawg

I get it, you trying to be better than all, but you ain't shit until cheddars involved

I get that I gotta prove myself

No shit you ain't done shit

But think about that though

Only doing this a couple of years

One tape and I'm like this?

This shit is aight for your first shit

But you don't know if it's your worst shit

You don't think finding out would be worth it?

It might be, it might not

But I'mma put your ass to work, kid

Wait, like, like I have the job? Like really?

Well one more thing, let me see if you could put a hook together

What would you do for the hook for this song?

You want me to make a hook up right now?

Do I look like the type of nigga that like repeating himself?

Alright, uh, okay

Man do the hook!

I'm bout to be professional

Homie, I'm professional

Uh, maybe like a low voice type thing?

Nigga, that shit is garbage man

Well, you know, I feel like there might have been some upside to it

But I'm not good at thinking of things on the spot like that

Don't y'all normally like outsource for that kind of thing sometimes?

Sometimes, but you know, that was some next level Dogg shit right there

Yeah, you know, I'm just way better when I get to think things through

Have my like that dual screen action that type of thing

Whatever man, you trying to smoke a blunt?

Right now?

Yeah

Sure

Dope. Juanita, bring some weed in here, please. Thank you

You got it, Snoop. I'll be right there

Thanks, Juanita. Super nice woman

Nigga, why does everything you say sound so soft?

Uh, I really don't wanna be spoken to like that, so…

Yeah, whatever. Thanks

Hey, I got y'all y'all weed

Damn, that's some great looking weed. It's just so early

Can I get you guys anything else while I'm here? Coffee? Tea? Head? Bottled water?

D-Did you just say head?

Yeah. You ain't never got no head before?

I mean… Just feels like… A lot, right now

OK

But what kind of tea do you guys have?

We got mint, raspberry, earl grey, English breakfast…

Actually, I'll take head

I knew your little dirty ass wanted some head