Albuquerque

Way back when

I was just a little bitty boy

Living in a box

Under the stairs

In the corner of the basement

In the house half a block down the street from

Jerry's Bait

ShopYou know the place

Well anyway,

Back then life was going swell

And everything was just peachy!

Except of course for the undeniable fact

That every single morning

My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of

Sauer kraut for breakfast

DawwwBig bowl of sauer kraut!

Every single mornin'!

It was driving me crazy!

And I said to my mom,

I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?"

And my dear, sweet mother,

She just looked at me like a cow looks

At an oncoming train

And she leaned right down next to me

And she said, "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!"

And then she tied me to the wall

And stuck a funnel in my mouth

And force fed me nothing but sauer kraut

Until I was twenty-six and a half years old

That's when

I swore that someday,

Someday I would get outta that basement

And travel to a magical, far away place,

Where the sun is always shining

And the air smells like warm root beer,

And the towels are oh so fluffy!

Where the shriners and the lepers

Play their ukuleles all day long

And anyone on the street

Will gladly shave your back for a nickel!

Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah!

Well, let me tell you, people,

It wasn't long at all before my dream came true

Because the very next day,

A local radio station had this contest

To see who could correctly guess the number

Of molecules in

Leonard Nimoy's butt

I was off by three, but

I still won the grand prize

That's right, a first class, one-way ticket

To Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Oh yeahYou know,

I'd never been

On a real airplane before

And I gotta tell ya

It was really great

Except that

I had to sit

Between two large

Albanian women

With excruciatingly severe body odor

And the little kid in back of me

Kept throwin' up the whole time

The flight attendants ran out of

Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts

And the in-flight movie was

Bio-Dome with

Pauly Shore

And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out

And we went into a tailspin

And crashed into a hillside

And the plane exploded in a giant fireball

And everybody died!

Except for me.

You know why?'

Cause I had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Ah-ha-ha!Aahhh

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin', wreckage

I crawled on my hands and knees

For three full days

Draggin' along my big leather suitcase

And my garment bag

And my tenor saxophone

And my 12-pound bowlin' ball

And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel!

But finally

I arrived at the world famous

Albuquerque

Holiday Inn!

Where the towels are oh so fluffy!

And you can eat your soup

Right out of the ashtrays if you wanna

It's okay, they're clean!

Well, I checked into my room,

And I turned down the

A/C,And I turned on the

SpectraVision,

And I'm just about to eat

That little chocolate mint on my pillow

That I love so very, very much,

When suddenly there's a knock on the door

Well, now, who could that be?

I say, "Who is it?"

No answer"Who is it?"

There's no answer"WHO IS IT!?"

They're not sayin' anything

So finally,

I go overAnd

I open the door,

And just as

I suspected,

It's some big, fat hermaphrodite

With a flock of seagulls, haircut,

And only one nostril

Oh, man, I hate it when

I'm right!

So, anyway,

He bursts into my room,

And he grabs my lucky snorkel,

And I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that!That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me!"

And he's like, "Tough!"

And I'm like, "Give it!"

And he's like, "Make me!"

And I'm like, "'Kay!"

So I grabbed his leg

And he grabbed my esophagus

And I bit off his ear

And he chewed off my eyebrows

And I took out his appendix

And he gave me a colonic irrigation

Yes indeed, you better believe it!

And somehow in the middle of it all

The phone got knocked off the hook

And twenty seconds later,

I heard a familiar voice

And you know what it said?

I'll tell ya what it said!

It said, "If you'd like to make a call,Please hang up and try againIf you need help,Hang up and then dial your operatorIf you'd like to make a callPlease hang up and try again.If you need helpHang up and then dial your operatorIn Albuquerque!"

Albuquerque!

Well, to cut a long story short,

He got away with my snorkel

But I made a solemn vow

Right then and there

That I would not rest,

I would not sleep for an instant,

Until the one-nostrilled man

Was brought to justice

But first,

I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car

And I drove over to the donut shop

And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter

And he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want?"

I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"

He said, "Nah, we're outta glazed donuts."

I say, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"

He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts."

I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"

He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts."

I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"

He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!"

I said, "You got any apple fritters?"

He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters!"

I said, "You got any bear claws?"

He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check.""Naw, we're outta bear claws!"

I said, "Well, in that caseIn that case, what do you have?"

He says, "All I got right nowIs this box of one dozenStarving crazed weasels."

I said, "Okay, I'll take that."

So he hands me the box,

And I open up the lid,

And the weasels jump out

And they immediately latch onto my face

And start bitin' me all over

Oh, man, they were just goin' nuts!

They were tearin' me apart!

You know,I think it was just about that timethat a little ditty started goin' through my head

I believe it went a little somethin' like this:

DOH!Get 'em off me!

Get 'em off me!

Ohhh!No, get 'em off, get 'em off!

Oh, oh God, oh

God!Oh, get 'em off me!

Oh, oh God!

Ah, aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

I ran out into the street

With these flesh-eating weasels

All over my face,

Wavin' my arms all around

And just runnin', runnin', runnin',

Like a constipated wiener dog

And as luck would have it,

That's exactly when

I ran into

The girl of my dreams

Her name was

ZeldaShe was a caligraphy enthusiast,

With a slight overbite,

And hair the color of strained peaches

I'll never forget

The very first thing

She said to me

She said, "Hey,You've got weasels on your face."

That's when

I knew it was true love

We were inseparable after that

Aw, we ate together

We bathed together

We even shared the same piece

Of mint-flavored dental floss

The world was our burrito

So we got married,

And we bought us a house

And had two beautiful children,

Nathaniel and

SuperflyOh we were so very, very, very happy, oh yeah

But then, one fateful night,

Zelda said to me, she said,"Sweetie pumpkin?Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"

I said, "Woah! Hold on now, baby!I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!"

So we broke up,

And I never saw her again

But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Anyway, things really started

Lookin' up for me,

Because about a week later

I finally achieved my lifelong dream

That's right,

I got me a part-time job

At the Sizzler!

I even made employee of the month

After I put out that grease fire

With my face!

Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous

Of me after that

I was gettin' a lot of attitude.

Okay, like one time,

I was out in the parkin' lot,

Tryin' to remove my excess earwax

With a golf pencil,

When I see this guy

MartyTryin' to carry a big ol' sofa

Up the stairs all by himself.

So I-I say to him,

I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"

And Marty, he just rolls his eyes

And goes, "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!"

So I did.And then he gets all indignant on me

He's like, "Hey, man, I was just being sarcastic!"

Well, that's just great.

How was I supposed to know that?

I'm not a mind reader,

For cryin' out loud

Besides, now he's got

A really cute nickname -

Torso-Boy!

So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote

This guy comes up to me on the street

And he tells me he hasn't had a bite

In three days

Well, I knew what he meant,

But just to be funny,

I took a big bite

Out of his jugular vein

And he's yelling and screaming

And bleeding all over,

And I'm like, "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?"

But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk,

Bleeding and screaming, "Aaaahhhh! AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!"

You know, completely missing

The irony of the whole situation

Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um...

Where was

I?Kinda lost my train of thought.

Uh, well, uh,

OK, anyway,

I-I know it's kind of a roundabout way

Of saying it, but,

I guess the whole point

I'm tryin' to make here is

I HATE SAU

ERKRAUT!That's all

I'm really tryin' to say

And, by the way,if one day you happen to wake up

And find yourself in an existential quandry,

Full of loathing and self-doubt

And wracked with the pain and isolation

Of your pitiful meaningless existence,

At least you can take a small bit of comfort

In knowing that somewhere out there in this

Crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours,

There's still a little place

Called Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

I said A! (A!)

L! (L!)B! (B!)

U! (U!)... querque! (querque!)(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)

Al...buquerque!*burp*