The Contest

I am Adolfo Pirelli

The king of the barbers

The barber of the kings

E bon giorno, good day

I blow you a kiss!

And I, the so famous Pirelli

I wish-a to know-a

Who has-a the nerve-a to say

My elixir is-a piss!

Who says this?

"I do. I am Mr. Sweeney Todd."

"I have opened this bottle of Pirelli's elixir, and I say to you it is nothing but an arrant fraud."

"And furthermore—'Signor'—I have serviced no kings,"

"Yet I wager that I can shave a cheek and pull a tooth with ten times more dexterity than any street mountebank!"

"You hear-a this foolish man?"

"Watch and see how he will-a regret his-a folly!"

"Will Beadle Bamford be the judge?"

"Glad, as always, to oblige my friends and neighbors."

"Ready?"

"Ready!"

"Ready."

"The fastest, smoothest shave is the winner."

Now, signorini, signor, we mix-a the lather

But first-a you gather around

Signorini, signori, you looking a man

Who have had-a the glory to shave-a the Pope!

Mr. Sweeney so smart—I beg-a your pardon—don't call me a liar

Say it was only a cardinal—Nope!

It was-a the Pope!

Perhaps, signorini, signori

You'd like I tell you the famous story of Queen Isabella

The queen of-a Polan whose toot' was-a swollen

I pull it so nice from her mout'

That-a though to begin, she's a screaming-a murder

She's later-a swoon-a with bliss an' was heard-a to shout

Pull all of 'em out

To shave-a the face

To pull-a the toot'

Require the grace

And not the brute

For if-a you slip

You nick-a the skin

You clip-a the chin

You rip-a the lip a bit

And that's-a the trut'

To shave-a the face

Or even a part

Widout it-a smart

Require the heart

It take-a the art

I show you a chart

I study-a starting in my yout'

To cut-a the hair

To trim-a the beard

To make-a the bristle

Clean like a whistle

This is from early infancy

The talent give to me

By God!

It take-a the skill

It take-a the brains

It take-a the will

To take-a the pains

It take-a the pace

It take-a the grace

"The winner is Todd."

"And now who's for a tooth pulling, free without charge"

"Me, sir, me, sir"

"Who else? No one?"

"Then sir, since there is no means to test the second skill I claim the victory"

"Wait, one moment, wait"

"You, boy, get on that chair"

"Me, signor? Not a tooth, sir, I beg of you"

"I ain't got a twinge, not the slightest pain"

"You do now. We see who is zee victor now"

"Ready?"

"Ready!"

"Ready."

To pull-a the toot' without-a the skill

Can damage the root

Now hold-a the still an' if-a you slip

You grip a bit, you hit the pit of it

Or chip-a the do and have-a to fill

To pull-a the toot' without-a the grace

You leave-a the space all over the place

You try to erase without-a the trace

Sometimes is the case you even-a kill

To hold-a the clamp without-a the cramp

With all that saliva, it could-a drive-a you crazy

Don' mutter or back-a you go to the gutter

My touch is as light as a butter-a cup

I take-a the pains

I learn-a the art

I use-a the brains

I give-a the heart

I have-a the grace

I win-a the race

I give it up!