No Place Like London

I have sailed the world, beheld its wonders

From the Dardanelles to the mountains of Peru

But there's no place like London!

I feel home again

I could hear the city bells ring whatever I would do

No, there's no place like London!

"Mr. Todd, sir?"

You are young

Life has been kind to you

You will learn

"So Antony, it is here we go our several ways"

"Farewell, I shall not soon forget the good ship Bountiful"

"Nor the young man who saved my life"

Alms, alms for a miserable woman

On a miserable chilly mornin'

Oh, thank you, sir, thank you

How would you like a little squiff, dear

A little jig-jig, a little bounce around the bush

Wouldn't you like to push me crumpet?

It looks to me, dear, like you've got plenty there to push

Alms, alms for a pitiful woman

What's got wandering wits

Hey, don't I know you, mister?

"Must you glare at me, woman?"

"Off with you, off I say!"

Then how would you like to fish me squiff, Mister?

We'll go jig-jig, a little

"Off I said! To the devil with you!"

Alms, alms for a desperate woman

"Pardon me, sir"

"But there's no need to fear the likes of her"

"She was only a half-crazed beggar woman"

"London's full of them"

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit

And the vermin of the world inhabit it

And it's morals aren't worth what a pig can spit

And it goes by the name of London

At the top of the hole sit the privileged few

Making mock of the vermin in the lower zoo

Turning beauty into filth and greed

I too have sailed the world and seen its wonders

For the cruelty of men is as wondrous as Peru

But there's no place like London