No Place Like London

(ANTHONY)

I have sailed the world, beheld its wonders

From the Dardanelles

To the mountains of Peru

But there's no place like London!

I feel home again

I could hear the city bells ring

Whatever I would do

No, there's no place—

(TODD)

No, there's no place like London

(ANTHONY)

Mr. Todd, sir…?

(TODD)

You are young

Life has been kind to you

You will learn

(spoken)

So, Anthony, it is here we go our separate ways. Farewell.

I shall not soon forget the good ship Bountiful or the young man who saved my life

(BEGGAR WOMAN)

Alms! Alms!

For a miserable woman

On a miserable chilly morning

Thank you, sir, thank you

'Ow would you like a little muff, dear

A little jig jig

A little bounce around the bush?

Wouldn't you like to push me parsley?

It looks to me, dear

Like you got plenty there to push

Alms! Alms!

For a pitiful woman

Wot's got wanderin' wits...

Hey, don't I know you, mister?

(TODD, spoken)

Off with you, woman. Off I said! Leave!

(BEGGAR WOMAN)

Then 'ow would you like to

Split me muff, mister?

We'll go jig jig

A little—

(TODD, spoken)

Off, I said. To the devil with you!

(BEGGAR WOMAN)

Alms! Alms!

For a pitiful woman...

(ANTHONY, spoken)

Pardon me, sir, but there's no need to fear the likes of her.

She's only a half-crazed beggar woman. London's full of them. Mr Todd, sir?

(TODD, spoken)

What is it?

(ANTHONY, spoken)

If you need any help, or money, or anything-

(TODD)

No!

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit

And the vermin of the world inhabit it

And its morals aren't worth what a pig would spit

And it goes by the name of London

At the top of the hole sit the privileged few

Making mock of the vermin in the lower zoo

Turning beauty into filth and greed, I too

Have sailed the world and seen its wonders

For the cruelty of men is as wondrous as Peru

But there's no place like London!

There was a barber and his wife

And she was beautiful

A foolish barber and his wife

She was his reason and his life

And she was beautiful

And she was virtuous

And he was naive

There was another man who saw

That she was beautiful

A pious vulture of the law

Who with a gesture of his claw

Removed the barber from his plate

Then there was nothing but to wait

And she would fall

So soft

So young

So lost

And oh, so beautiful!

(ANTHONY, spoken)

And the lady, sir, did she succumb?

(TODD)

Oh, that was many years ago…

I doubt if anyone would know

(spoken)

Now leave me, Anthony, I beg of you.

There's somewhere I must go, something I must find out. Now. And alone

(ANTHONY, spoken)

But surely, we will meet again before I'm off to Plymouth?

(TODD, spoken)

You'll find me if you want to, down around Fleet Street I wouldn't wander

(ANTHONY, spoken)

Until then, Mr Todd

(TODD)

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit

And it's filled with people who are filled with shit

And the vermin of the world inhabit it…