Boat Train

I met with Napper Tandy and I shook him by the hand

He said hold me up for chrissake, for i can hardly stand

the most disgraceful journey on which i've ever been

the last time that i traveled on the boat train

i had a couple of drinks in town, a few more in the port

i puked up on the gangway but some kind folks helped me board

they sat me at a table, poured whiskey down my throat

sat me at a table and i lost my watch and coat

First we drank some whiskey

then we had some gin

then we had tequila i think that's what did me in

then we had some brandy and the women had a dance

the steward then announced that we could play the game of chance

we crowded round the table with our money in our hands

i landed on the other side without a penny in my pants

woke up in the toilet when we got to holyhead

the doors were all a-banging and i wished that i was dead

then we went through customs

a couple of credited thugs

first they looked for bombs and guns

then they looked for drugs

stuck a flashlight up my ass

told some Irish jokes

said "**** off now paddy"

so i headed for the smoke

on the boat train

we got on board the train and then we had a drink or two

started playing poker but the booze ran out at crewe

some people started sleeping, others looked for duty free

some bastard started singing "little cottage by the lee"

he then sang "paper roses," "boolavogue," "eileen aru"

somebody started slagging off the Pakis and the Jews

found a bottle of whiskey

found a bottle of gin

i sat down in the corner and i read the daily news

first i drank the whiskey

then i drank the gin

i tried to make the toilet

but i broke my ******* shin

the next thing that i knew i was in london in the rain

staggering up the platform on the boat train