I Always Thought I Would Be Okay

I tried to capture my emotions on paper

and was told I was misdirected,

but maybe my mindset has just been infected by this pain-infested re-appropriation of my familiarity with negligence.

Part of my heart followed me when I finally moved out,

but I still feel most connected to it when I go back home,

she is now just a three year memory of being addicted to caffeine

and praying I could tell her all the things I planned on saying.

The large amount of coffee stains in my journal is a reminder of when I pushed myself into depression.

It's funny how artistic we become when our hearts are broken.

the most sense I can make of this world has slowly transformed itself from being the ink in my pen

to being the pain in my heart and head.

I never meant to write words that would make people feel like crying,

I just never wanted to write a single word where I was lying.

I have slowly tapped the breaks on working and pushed my foot down on letting go.

And somehow, I still don't know if this plan is working.

The things that kept me focused on hope were her smile and California weather.

Now that the winter storms have had their way with my sunshine, I feel like I don't have anything left.

I feel like I can't believe in power without the intoxicating reminder that this could all just be a dream.

Or maybe I am just once again resorting to my pathetic need to over think just to feel like anything real is happening.

And then out of nowhere, when I finally feel at peace, I miss everybody.

But somehow, the weather feels more sunny,

and the water in this river keeping my mind watered is finally running,

and flowing, and livestock is growing, my heart is showing,

my heart is glowing. So why do I still feel so lonely?

Maybe because I feel like my heart is empty.

I promise I meant it when I said I wanted you to be happy,

I just didn't want you to be happier than me. But I guess I'm just not that lucky.

This pain may not be escaping, and I may still be hurting, but that's okay, because at least I can see that some day, it will be ending. Even if it is not today, I will be set free. Forgive me, I'm usually much more encouraging, but until then, promise you won't leave. My heart may be empty, but the walls hold photos of beautiful memories. If I hurt so bad now, I guess it's just a friendly reminder that I am still breathing. She may not be next to me, but this hurt cuts deep and still remembers to visit me. So heartache, Thank you for still believing in me.

You're not a problem, you are my sanity. And I love you for it.