The Old-Timer

I’m an old timer I’m an excellent rhymer

I’ll send you a song of the sights I have seen

‘Tis late in December but well I remember

The springtime of youth when the world was so green

I was born a hundred thousand years ago

There ain’t nothin’ in this world that I don’t know.

There’s no place that I ain’t been

Round the world and back again,

And I’ll whup the man that says it isn’t so

In the dawn of civilization I recall,

My cave had bearskin carpets, wall to wall.

We were quite the social group,

I was friends with Alley Oop,

And a charming fellow named Neanderthal.

I knew Adam and Eve before they knew the score:

It was I designed the fig leaves that they wore.

From behind the bushes kneelin’

Saw the apple they was peelin’,

And I swear that I’m the guy that ate the core.

I was born a hundred thousand years ago

There ain’t nothin’ in this world that I don’t know.

There’s no place that I ain’t been

Round the world and back again,

And I’ll whup the man that says it isn’t so

Took a trip with Cleopatra down the Nile.

Yes, we dated off and on for quite awhile.

And for King Tut and his kiddies,

I built all the pyramiddies,

And I represented Caesar at his trial.

Mr. Nero was a personal friend of mine.

The way he played the fiddle was divine.

I went by invitation

To a Roman celebration,

And. ended up with ashes in my wine.

I was born a hundred thousand years ago

There ain’t nothin’ in this world that I don’t know.

There’s no place that I ain’t been

Round the world and back again,

And I’ll whup the man that says it isn’t so

I’ll tell you how America came to be:

I went sailing with Columbus ‘cross the sea.

He got sick the day we landed,

And he went home empty-handed.

By rights, the whole darn place belongs to me.

I know much more than any book can tell,

And you must admit, I sing it rather well.

But the last part is the best,

If you’d like to hear the rest,

You can sing it for yourself or go to hell.

I was born a hundred thousand years ago

There ain’t nothin’ in this world that I don’t know.

There’s no place that I ain’t been

Round the world and back again,

And I’ll whup the man that says it isn’t so