The Cooper O' Fife

Ye married a monk, ye married a moose

Ye married a carey-on roond the hoose

A roon the hoose, a roon the hoose

Let's all a carey on roon the hoose

Ye married a boy who'd never been kissed

Married a god who didn't exist

Ye married a wally, ye married a ghost

Ye married a strangler, deaf as a post

So jig the jig and waltz the waltz

Polka polka through the halls

Festoon yer room wi a sprig of gorse

Let's get married and let's divorce

Married a stripper, ye married a tease

Ye married a circus and all the fleas

Ye married the hunchback doon on his knees

Ye married johnny heed in the breeze

Ye married a fox, ye married a minx

Ye married a smarmy skinny malink

Ye married the man with the handicap

That put St Andrews on the map

Ye married the scheemie, ye married the radge

Ye married the boy with a Pastels badge

Ye married a moron name o' Gordon

Then ye married a traffic warden

Ye married the man ye love to hate

Ye hated him, weil, from the first date

Married a murderer on the Monday

You'll be oot or dead by Sunday

Ye married the playa, ye married the game

Ye married the whole of the fitba team

Ye married the drunk with the Special Brew

Married the captain and all his crew

Ye married a cower and timorous beastie

Married a cunt all sloppy and yeasty

Married a bent copper and then

Married them all over again

Ye married the baker, the butcher, the creep

Ye married the shepherd and all of his sheep

Ye married the corporal and his wife

Ye married the cooper, the cooper o' Fife

Ye've made a mistake, it's plain as a rose

Plain as the brain at the end of yer nose

Plain as the sneeze, the sneeze on yer face

To marry them all was a big mistake

Ye married too young, ye married a ginger

Married a minger and whipped a whinger

Married a moose whose heed was thrawn

Annulled the marriage on Saturday morn

Ye married a monk, ye married a moose

Married a carey-on roond the hoose

A roon the hoose, a roon the hoose

Let's all a carey on roon the hoose

Ye married a glaikit football stag

Ye married a man with a wank mag

Ye married a tool, ye married a knife

Ye married the man who beat his wife

So jig the jig and waltz the waltz

Polka polka through the halls

Festoon yer room wi sprigs of gorse

Let's get married and let's divorce

Ye married a creep, ye married a ghoul

Ye married a neep o' the Glesga school

Ye married a less-than-a-tinker's cuss

Divorce is the thing, the thing for us

So clear yer tears and don't ye greet

West is heed and East is feet

And never the twain shall marry or meet

So never ye tarry and never ye greet

Ye married the cat, ye married the dog

Married them both in the eyes of god

Sixteen men who died of flu

Then you married the undertaker too