Belief

Through all of my life

I waver back and forth between

A belief and not

Believing in anything

In any solid shape

The unfettered mind

A deeper understanding that holds nothing

That let's sounds come in the ear

And just pass through without deciding what it was

If it was a jet or a dragon

It was merely a sound without a name or a picture

It was every possible thing at once

I barely ever get to be in this state

Just quick flashes by surprise

When I'm like standing by a car

Squinting my eyes

Caught off guard and unpicturesque

I used to sing this one song all the time

That I made up to try to cut through

When I'd find myself caught up

Entranced in certainty

Staring at a hill

And it went:

"Let's get out of the romance"

Over and over

"Let's get out of the romance"

"Please can I go through this life unscared to see that nothing stays the same"

"No one knows anything."

When I was younger and didn't know

I used to walk around basically begging the sky

For some calamity to challenge my foundation

When I was young

So imagine what it was like to watch up close a loved one die

And then look into the pit

I lived on the edge of it

And had to stay there

Joanne Kyger said:

"We fight incredibly through a hideous mishmash of inheritance

Forgiving for deeper stamina

That we go on

The world always goes on

Breaking us with its changes

Until our form, exhausted, runs true."

Out of nowhere love returned

I saw what looked like a God who walks among us

I met her, we fell so in love

She is angelic, miraculous, I totally lost my mind

And poured everything into this sea, this ocean

And when I came to I saw my face in a store window's reflection

And there was fear behind those eyes

Now I'm back where I was when I was 20

Trying to stop clinging to a dream

And let an old idea of love dissipate

Back into formless rolling waves

Of discomfort and uncertainty

The true state of all things

I want to wade out into dark water

Hand in hand with you

I played this song for you and all you heard were the words

"Discomfort and uncertainty"

You asked "How do we get back to how it was?"

And that's when I started to know

That I might be in it alone

Devoted to an unknown

Homelessness enthroned

Us and the kids all wind-blown

Courageous as bone

Lying down in a storm

Steadfast, newborn

A house with no door

Exhausted form

In your eyes I found home

I believed you and dove

And oh my God

When we swam together for a little bit