The Tale

'Yes. This is a cautionary tale.

You can ... take it any which way you wanna.

I mean no disrespect in part two.

As we just ... alright ... let me ...' [Ty's voice fades]

It was a sunny afternoon, somewhere between April, May or maybe June

The year had been quite busy

And I was just taking a break from having to make a tune

I was chilling with my cousin rude boys undercover just ...

Watching the place

Sitting opposite the tube

And this girl walked up and said 'I recognise your face.

Your name's Ty isn't it? I seen you in this and that magazine'

I was quite chuffed really,

Looked slightly at my cousin and we both said 'seen!'

One month later she phones me up

'I'm in the area, can I come up?' I'm like 'please!'

Turned to my brethren said

'I love you like a brother, but BRUSH you got to leave!'

[Tee talking]

'You know what I'm saying? You got to leave! If you met this girl right,

You'd understand. You - have - got - to - go. Thank you.'

Check my reflection in the mirror,

Spray a little air fresh, splash a little brute

Answer the intercom, 'is Tee there?' Oh,, she sounds cute!

I take her jacket and she's left with a white dress going from here to here

I offer her a drink, but she only wants water, I'm like 'oh each!'

The conversation goes from vague adult chat to thinly veiled come on's

Blood leaves my brain, my whole body's a drum stick ... anxious to drum on

How shall I approach this? I'm virtually brain dead plus the line's busy

I begin with a little friendly WWF and touch the titty!

[Girl talking, Ty whistling in background]

'Hold on, what are you doing? What are you doing? Are you trying to touch

Any of this? Who are you? Just because ...' [Girl's voice fades]

Felt so ashamed! Had to excuse myself by pretending to take the piss

Walked to the mirror, splashed water on my face and said 'man what is this?'

Get a grip Ben, just because the girl's here doesn't mean you're in

Ha, this ***y ******** can mess up the play

And make you think your love is king

[Ty talking]

'Ohhh boy. Listen ...

You know when you're in one of those predicaments where it's like,

Just, oh what can I say, I can't say ...' [Ty's voice fades]

I left the bathroom with a clear head,

Expecting her to moan, apologetic in the worst way

She's butt naked on the sofa,

Smiling like a joker 'T-Y it's your birthdayyy!'

[Ty talking]

'No, no, no, no, no, no, no, y'know, no!

You don't, listen, you don't have to ask me what happened next!

Anyway, lets just say ... mighty fun was had by all!

Of course this is fictional, so. Y'know.