Thirty

There was a time

When you put your hand on the small of my back

I was surprised that you touched me like that

But there in your hand was a current of life

I could hardly stand

I stayed still

And I didn't mention it

Or if I did, I made some joke of it

It was strange how I could feel so sane

So plain when you're around

And unbidden to me

There it rose, the fantasy

Colored rose and easy

Yeah, I could see it so simple, unsubtle

Impossible, clearly

And strange

Far and as close as a mountain range

On the horizon driving all day

There I was, so sane

So plain after everything

Gas came down

From a buck-twenty

The joke was how

It broke the economy anyhow

The dollar was down

But my friends opened businesses

There were new children

And again, I didn't get married

I wasn't close to my family

And my dad was raising a child in Nairobi

She was three now, he told me

Gas stations I laughed in

I noticed ******* everything

The light, the reflections

Different languages, your expressions

We would fall down laughing

Effervescent

And all over nothing, all over nothing

Just as though

It was a joke my whole life through

All of the pain and sorrow I knew

All of the tears that had fallen from my eyes

I can't say why

We walked in the park

Under the shade

I avoided your eyes

I was ashamed of my own mind

No SSRIs

My day is dark as your night

Oh, you got

The kindest of eyes

I cannot help but notice sometimes

But you know, as do I

I cannot look twice without falling right

Into the sweet and the tender line between

Something I can and can never be

And just then an ambulance

Passed on the street

And you took my arm reflexively

That was the year I was thirty

That was the year you were thirty-one

That was the year that we lost, or we won

That was the year I was thirty

That was the year you were thirty-one

That was that year, now here

Now here is another one