Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West)

Benny Hill

Ultimate Collection

Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West)

You could hear the hoofbeats pound as they raced across the ground

And the clatter of the wheels as they spun 'round and 'round

And he galloped into Market Street, his badge upon his chest

His name was Ernie

And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west

Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue

She lived all alone in Linley Lane at number 22

They said she was too good for him, she was haughty, proud and chic

But Ernie got his cocoa there three times every week

They called him Ernie

Ernie

And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west

She said she'd like to bathe in milk

He said "All right, sweetheart"

And when he'd finished work one night he loaded up the cart

He said "Do you want it pasturized? 'Cause pasturized is best"

She says, "Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up to me chest"

That tickled old Ernie

Ernie

And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west

Now Ernie had a rival, a evil-looking man

Called Two Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the bakers van

He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread

And when she seen the size of his hot meat pies, it very near turned her head

She nearly swooned at his macaroon and he said "Now if you treat me right,

You'll have hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night"

He knew once she sampled his layer cake he'd have his wicked way

And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day

Poor Ernie

Ernie

And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west

One lunchtime Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door

It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four

And as he lept down from his van, hot blood through his veins did course

And he went across to Ernie's cart and didn't half kick his horse

Whose name was Trigger

Trigger

And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west

Now Ernie rushed out into the street, his goldtop in his hand

He said "If you wanna marry Susie, you'll fight for her like a man"

"Oh why don't we play cards for her" he sneeringly replied

"And just to make it interesting, we'll have a shilling on the side"

Now Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun

They stood there face-to-face and Ted went for his bun

But Ernie was too quick, things didn't go the way Ted planned

And a strawberry flavored yogurt sent it spinning from his hand

Now Sue she ran between them and tried to keep them apart

As Ernie, he pushed her aside and a rock cake caught him underneath his heart

And he looked up in pained surprise at the concrete hardened crust

Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust

Poor Ernie

Ernie

And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west

Ernie was only 52, he didn't wanna die

And now he's gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky

Where the customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned

And the milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy, dairy land

But a woman's needs are manyfold and Sue, she married Ted

But strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed

Was that the trees a-rustling? Or the hinges of the gate?

Or Ernie's ghostly gold tops a-rattlin' in their crate?

They won't forget Ernie

Ernie

And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west